How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
