now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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