Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
