I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I need to align my fucking chakras
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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