The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
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