just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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