I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize