my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
