My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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