This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
