I'm so fucking centered right now
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
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