just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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