i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
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