fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
