he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
