I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
