I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
