I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
