the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
MIDGETS
????
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
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