if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
