about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
