I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize