We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I think my moral compass just broke
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
