I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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