I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Randomize
