someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Randomize
