Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize
