Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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