im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
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