who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
