sooo how much is appropriate to spend on a vibrator? what if it is really legit looking?
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
40s are totally the cure
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
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