guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
