you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
