i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
