just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
