I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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