He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
