Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
