I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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