Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
