So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
