Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize