I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
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