No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
