the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Randomize
