the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
