I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
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