Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
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