I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Randomize
