She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize