I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
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