How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
Little spoons don't ask big questions
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
