woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
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