I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
