Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize