Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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