I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Randomize
