As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
