3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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