Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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