Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Randomize
