How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
