some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
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