I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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