You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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