You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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