someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize