He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Randomize
