I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
I think i got beer on your cat.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
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