Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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